ଘ 𝕒𝕫𝕚𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕙𝕒𝕝𝕖 (
lunchbreaks) wrote in
angryhearts2020-07-13 05:18 pm
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Entry tags:
fish gotta swim | closed
WHO: Aziraphale and Crowley closed event log
WHAT: Like y'all don't wanna touch these feelings with a ten-foot pole tbh
WHEN: During the event!
WHERE: Castle Ruins
NOTES: The grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one
WHAT: Like y'all don't wanna touch these feelings with a ten-foot pole tbh
WHEN: During the event!
WHERE: Castle Ruins
NOTES: The grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one
He used to feel love around every corner he turned. He had much of it to spare, of course, and his whole shop was doused in it. In the middle of Soho he was surrounded by it, of all walks of life, all sorts. Couples, families, friends... people and their pets, people pressed against shop windows and walking by with snacks and balloons in the summer and wrapped gifts in the winter.
It felt so empty, recently, without being reminded every waking moment (and that was every moment) of the human capacity for the emotion.
And so, one day walking around the ruins of the castle, when he feels trickles of something familiar, he feels the relief like taking a breath after breaking water, like stepping in from the cold. "Crowley!" he calls, wondering where he'd slinked off to. He hadn't drunk a tea, which meant - maybe - maybe it was starting to come back naturally. Maybe it was growing back! There was so much more with it that he couldn't place, but that was probably just an after-effect.
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He's finding it harder and harder to go terribly far from Aziraphale these past couple days, but he's been writing it off as how tenderly Aziraphale held him when he found he was able to return to snake form. Crowley had immensely enjoyed that, but took it for the fluke it was, and hadn't expected more from the angel.
"M'here. Is something wrong?"
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His feelings are a superbloom of sunniness, just the sort of supernova brightness one might expect from an angel, enough to drive a mortal blind with madness. If he could glow, he'd be glowing.
"Not at all! Crowley, I think I've got another power back!" he exclaims, voice squeaking with excitement.
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Funny, he normally has his emotions well under control. Well, these particular emotions. When he's around Aziraphale at least.
Scrabbling down the heap of rocks, Crowley trots up to the angel, curious about this new development.
"Oh yeah? Which one's that?"
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"Have you got any of yours back? I didn't even drink a tea this time!"
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Oh fuck, he thinks to himself, tone it down, he's got that back.
"Oh. Uh. Nope. Not really feeling anything return. Maybe that tea was a two-for-one? The other one being delayed?"
Or maybe it was something he ate? Or maybe things were just returning naturally.
It didn't bode well if Aziraphale could feel that though - Crowley's been positively radiating his adoration for the angel since they got here and he's not sure how to dial it back now.
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He suddenly feels a slight bit of panic though, and it's not coming from him. He wonders what that's all about.
His smile falters a bit as he considers it. "Is a bit odd, you know."
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"What's a bit odd, though? You could always feel love, right? This doesn't feel any different?"
Traitor lungs, he thinks as his breathing grows quicker and shallower as his panic grows, overpowering the warmth and affection hes' picking up from Aziraphale.
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And he isn't aware of how he shouldn't run his mouth.
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He's getting an idea of what's happening here, and he doesn't like it. Because if he admits it, Aziraphale will know and he'll probably be very polite about it, but things will be awkward. He hopes it's just one of those temporary things the hotel pulls on them. Wait it out, let it pass, and it will be fine and Aziraphale will never have to know how deep this rabbit hole actually goes.
"Maybe you're a little oversensitive from having it gone?" He suggests. "Got a little worried there that you might be getting sick, so maybe that's what you're picking up."
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He decides to hold onto it, instead of being upset about the other things. "Maybe that's it. But... it's nice to have it back, all the same." And, of course, Crowley worried over him. And that just hits him with all sorts of fondness for the demon.
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But what can he say? Oh yes, that's just me, the demon that can love. Only been like this six thousand years, don't worry your pretty head about it.
At best he could hope for is another 'you go too fast for me', so Crowley keeps his mouth shut, and tries his damnedest to bury every feeling bubbling to the surface under a thick layer of denial.
"I'm sure it'll sort itself out, angel. Don't worry too much, yeah?"
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That he doesn't even question Crowley at all and takes him at his word, after all these years, should say something.
So here he is, setting up himself for embarrassment, as he freely projects his love as he looks over, happily planning in his head what they could do with the day.
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He never lied to Aziraphale. At least, not about anything important.
...Except this.
It's his own bloody fault for falling in love with the angel in the first place. Somehow he's sure he deserves this.
"Just - " he gestures vaguely. "- Wanted to have a look around. Those guards are everywhere so making a break for it doesn't seem feasible. If only one of us could fly."
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And no, he hasn't realized there are two of them.
"But it'd be... a dangerous thing to ask, of course." But he's sure that Wei Wuxian would jump at the chance if he could.
He's back to thinking of Crowley already though, and smiles as he thinks of how he always comes up with such good ideas. Well, when they're not dumb ideas.
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"Which Wei Wuxian...?" he asks, because he has met both of them and is quite aware there are two.
It was stupid to think he can survive this. It's barely gone ten minutes and he's already feeling overwhelmed - he doubts he can last however long this last. Days, probably. Indefinitely if Her Majesty is particularly sadistic.
He can't even bear to be far from Aziraphale thanks to this ridiculous buddy system, so no hope of relief there.
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But Aziraphale thought it was kind of funny and cute, that Crowley had such powers and hadn't been able to interpret the love the same way that Aziraphale did. He supposes that it takes some time to get used to.
His heart flares though, as he thinks about Crowley making friends with other people. It makes him so happy.
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"Wouldn't have said anything if I knew what was happening," he grumbles, kicking a small rock. Despite the horrific addition of toes to his scaly feet, Crowley is about the only one on the trip who doesn't seem bothered about being barefoot.
Mostly because he always has been.
"Besides, he'll get over it. Or learn to-"
Crowley physically staggers when he's hit by the wave of emotion Aziraphale.
He takes a moment, leaning heavily against a broken pillar, clutching his chest as though that might shield his heart from the onslaught of emotions.
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He reaches out as if to catch him if he falls, trying to lead him away from the pillar which may be hard to fall into as opposed to Aziraphale, who promises a soft landing.
"What is happening?"
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"S'fine," he lies. "I'm okay. Probably just something I ate."
Despite his protests, he lets himself be guided away from the pillar, leaning on the very source of the issue. Aziraphale is warm and soft, and Crowley feels a complicated jumble of emotions. Guilt and shame, of course, for not being honest and for enjoying Aziraphale's proximity. Love tinged with desire, and fear of rejection.
Needless to say, Crowley's a bit of a mess.
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"It is not something you ate!" he says, and then he casts a miracle, because they're demonic miracles, so they can't hurt Crowley, to get rid of any stomachaches he might have.
"There. Now we can both be sure. Will you just... talk to me. Please?"
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"Fine. It's the same thing it's always been, angel," he practically snarls. "You don't have to keep prodding to make me say it. I got the hint back in '67, no need to tread old ground. I'm just-"
He draws an unsteady breath.
"-I keep trying not to feel whatever's going on with you, okay?"
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"--Crowley, I didn't give you holy water because I wanted you hurt. Quite the opposite! I thought you might get hurt on your... your silly mission with those humans trying to go to a church, and I know you didn't even have proper shoes or anything!"
Had Crowley thought Aziraphale had intended to kill him this entire time?
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Crowley doesn't finish that sentence. Aziraphale looks quite serious - in fact he looks almost stricken.
The demon swallows a lump in his throat.
"...You really have no idea...? Then what was that 'you go too fast for me' all about...?!"
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"Did you think I--?" He looks up, as if asking if Crowley thought he was trying to reject him, tell him he was uninterested, when in fact he'd thought the change had been quite sudden, and perhaps fueled by the whole... 60s movement.
"Crowley," he starts, voice trailing, lump in his throat. "Is this.... is this feeling... you?"
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...But if what Aziraphale just implied what Crowley thinks, hasn't he been doing the same thing...?
"...Yeah."
He hangs his head, because whatever else, thousands of years of having to remind himself it can never happen aches.
"Yeah, s'me. Been me for a while."
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